The truth is in the middle.

I was living in one place, the wages were low, the jobs were scarce, and then a girl got murdered at a food joint and she had just transferred from my ex husbands location of work. If she hadn't transferred to the other location, he could have been the other victim.

Weekly shootings in town were bothering me. 

I moved away.

I moved to a small republicanish town.

They all loved Trump.

So I didn't really make friends for 7 years.

I moved just before the COVID.

It feels like I was in the COVID for like 5 years.

I kind of was.

I am still recovering.

It reminds me of my disabled veteran ex boyfriend.

He was much more damaged before the war than he had become while he was there.

I was freaked out by having friends before I left town.

It was a long journey before I would go back.

A rather lonely one.

I have....exes.

I wished on a star for 10 years for a girlfriend. 

Now I don't have a thing for redheads anymore.

Having a girlfriend would be nice.

But scary.

I don't know what it is about being with a girl that hits different. 

They can wreck you.

But it turns out it's not just women.

He is the first dude to really get to me.

He is really pretty. And squishy.

It's not a secret that I am obsessed with beards. 

At the end he would literally like rub it on me, and that's the thing, did he like it or did he just do it cuz he knew I liked it? 

The way it seems, I would not put it past him to be pondering if he even wanted to be there while he was doing that, and here I am just enjoying it.

Oof.

I also know how to distract people like that.

But you only use tactics like that on people who you can't trust who are a threat.

Why do I get with the people pleasers and then just enjoy it?

How do I let them trick me like that?

It was twice.

Only hang with people whose moms aren't awful.

Or like make sure they have done the work.

Apparently it's easy to pretend you are getting better at least for a while. 

We had the same color hair and eyes.

My ex boyfriend and ex gf both had hazel eyes.

He had really pretty eyes. He was pretty.

I very rarely get into dudes like that.

I am getting later into my life though.

And my hormones do be raging.

I like saying "be" and "being" where it doesn't belong

People where I was did that and I really am into being in general like heidegger 

Saying am is okay

Meh

Like I am that I am

Like God saying "I basically am just being"

Indeed

Do. Do be do.

I do. 

I do shit

Indeed. I do do shit.

So, anyways.

The Republicans might be homophobic.

That means they are gay though.

Scientific studies show that homophobia and gayness are tightly linked.

So they should stop fighting with the LGBT community.

Just stop fighting your gay urges and bang me.

Except they never will.

They would rather marry God and ****** little boys.

The Democrats will just start spewing hate talk at you as soon as you say something that sounds remotely Republican to them.

The media shows these two sides.

It shows that there's scary ppl ready to get you if you don't comply.

But most of reality is just like in the middle. 

Facebook is a fear mongering platform.

I offer you something else to look at.

The news is fake.

Memes are cool.

Jesus is cool.

He liked everyone.

EVERYONE.

k maybe I am also angry but I think we are all more similar than different and should focus on that and still be nice to each other.

uh...just keep swimming.

Trying to get ahold of my intuition

The more I meditate, the more I wake up my intuition, and I see where I am blocked and what is going on easier. Sometimes I get distracted and do not meditate, and it gets all jammed up. 

My problem, like many other people, is that I have a hard time staying in my body. I get overwhelmed, and in order to protect myself, I leave my body. I got really good at living my daily life not really present. Many people have. But I am very sensitive. My nervous system is on high alert.

Is part of it PTSD? Who knows?

I have been in so much pain for days, that I had some crazy virus that is spreading through the house making everyone in pain, and I did not even know it. I was sick. I was. I wondered if it was a virus, but I figured it was my pain from all the things in my life manifest into some wild fibromialgia spurt. 

I meditated in my bed with my whole body in massive pain for days....and I went to work.

I did leave early the one day and went home and cried for hours.

I know my spirit guides help me. 

I am on a level where it would be helpful to have more of a relationship with them.

I just need to learn to...set boundaries?

Maybe the kiss is a metaphor. Maybe they are trying to tell me something. 

The concept of abraxas like combining the masculine and feminine into an ultimate energy comes to mind.

Maybe I need to get better at marrying my masculine and feminine side into one whole being.

I spose maybe I am just realizing another aspect of my shadow.

Maybe I should ask my guides why they always wanna kiss and touch me.
 

I went to Chuck E. Cheese

 There was no stage. It was just a kid casino. So I painted the stage from memory.

Brave

 I can be brave. I can be myself in front of people.
Why should I be afraid for people to see me?

This paper is all crinkly but I finally painted the leaves. I did at least once.

Every time I would drive to my temporary home in the country, it was so beautiful.

It was a tough story about why I left.

Every time I go to type or write something, I draw a blank

I have a block like it isn't safe.

I need to start somewhere. 

I like being able to go into the HTML and fix it if I don't like the formatting.

I can do that.

I would like to do stand up.

I wont be able to remember anything but I don't think that would be necessary.

I could just ask someone in the crowd a question and go off that.

My brain works by association and once Im writing, I am thinking about writing and maybe need to connect that back to whatever it is I want to write about.

My feelings feel bad. To the point where it physical.

If hogwarts existed, it would have meditation class.

It would be the most important one.

Trying to erase mindfulness from magic scares me.